The thing is, I’m an all or nothing person. I wish I wasn’t, but I am. And I’m so afraid of myself because of it. I have been for a very long time. I’m so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, and I’ve had the idea that I’m bad at life reinforced a WHOLE lot of times. I’m always either too guarded or too vulnerable, there is no in between. Except when I manage to do both at the same time.
YouTube was my phase of diving all the way into being too vulnerable, but in the end it wound up making me swing too far the other way because of the anxiety it sparked when I realized what I was actually doing.
I know, also, that there are people who would tell me that vulnerability and art are the same thing, and I agree, but I don’t think I can do it the way I want to without compromising my entire life. Because I know myself well enough to know that I’m not capable of telling just a fraction of the truth. I’m a 100% person, and that fucking terrifies me. It would terrify anyone. It’s way too many percents, when it comes to the truth. I need to figure out how to scale it back to 90-ish. I would accept 90-ish. But I’m not sure I’m capable of doing that.
Is there something broken in me? Probably. And I know what some people might say, that maybe what makes me unique is a super power and not a weakness, but we all should know by now that every super power has its kryptonite, and maybe my kryptonite isn’t worth the risk. Maybe I’d rather just live a normal life and never find out what happens if I learn how to fly. Flying results in falling at least some of the time. It’s statistically inevitable, no matter how romantic flying might seem when you’re safely planted on the ground.