I have to be honest with you

I’ve been feeling really small and powerless. I’ve been listening to this Keane song over and over and just hoping that it applies in some way to my situation, and the world’s in general, I guess. I still want to believe that the world is a beautiful place where the lovers don’t always lose, you know, where good does prevail, at least some of the time. But it’s fucking difficult to keep believing that that’s true, no matter who you are, right now, it’s just more obvious for more people, now, than it used to be.

But even if some of this does apply to me, I still have a lot of regrets about ever doing anything on social media, even though I never had a choice. And I’m still convinced deep down that no one does genuinely care what I have to say. Maybe, honestly, I don’t believe that anyone genuinely cares about anything other than themselves. That’s the way I feel in my dark moments, anyway, and these days it’s pretty much always just darkness, for me.

I love Keane so much. I didn’t even know they had a new album out and I’ve listened to them more than almost any other band… yeah. Ever. If you did the math on it, they would undoubtedly be in my top 5, if not my actual number one. To be fair, they have a leg up on the competition because I’ve been obsessed with them since High School. But, like. Whatever, that’s hardly the point… but I’m just saying it’s a little insane that I didn’t even know they had a new album out. And also, if you’re reading this for some reason and also aren’t also obsessed with them, I’m a million percent certain they will change your life. Not to oversell it or anything.

I’m a little drunk, I’m sorry. But if I can literally get half naked on camera and still meet my own eye in the mirror, I guess this doesn’t feel that… you know what it is? Youtubers, bloggers, whatever, do everything backwards. They don’t start out knowing why anyone would give a shit what they have to say, you know, it’s not like being an actor or a musician who gets a record out first and THEN posts the b-sides or live stuff, it’s like… it’s like going on a date with someone you’ve already heavily sexted with. It just isn’t the same, at all, and it feels way more fucked up and there’s so much more pressure to live up to some kind of impossible standard of being both incredibly intimate and incredibly skilled and charismatic and so on, is any of this even making sense?

Anyway, I keep trying to run away from myself and that… isn’t possible. So I don’t know… I don’t know how to let myself just exist, you know. Turn my brain off and let myself post a really stupid blog post that only three people will read, but that for some reason still makes me feel naked in a way that actually being naked probably wouldn’t even make me feel. I don’t know.

It’s a good song, though, so. Let’s focus on that part, I guess.

Only want to say that I gave it all I had
That I felt afraid and I didn’t step back
Whether right or wrong
I did everything with loveFelt it all
Gave it all
Drank it allAnd we make mistakes
And they make us what we are
And we jump right in
And throw open our hearts
And we catch a glimpse of something magical
Want it all, take it all, got it allThen we love too much
Or we push too hard
Or we fly too high
Or we go too far
For a moment I was all that you could see
For a moment I was all that I could be
Nothing can take that away from me
Nothing can take that away from meAnd our purest dreams
Steal something from our lives
They can only live
Because something else dies
But they lift us up
And they make us walk so tall
Got it all, got it all, got it allThen we love too much
Or we push too hard
Or we fly too high
Or we go too far
For a moment I was all that you could see
For a moment I was all that I could be
Nothing can take that away from me
Nothing can take that away from meNothing can take that away from me
Nothing can take that away from meAnd the purest dreams
Well, they make us feel so high
When you’re falling down
Is when you feel most alive
Whether right or wrong
You do everything with love
Feel it all, give it all, drink it upThen we love too much
Or we push too hard
Or we fly too high
Or we go too far
For a moment I was all that you could see
For a moment I was all that I could be
Nothing can take that away from me
Nothing can take that away from me
Nothing can take that away from me
Nothing can take that away from me

*unnecessary postscript: I’ve also been obsessing over Miike Snow’s videos, which you should also look into if you’re here for some reason. I’m currently making sims of the dancers in genghis khan and pull my trigger because OH MY GOD I CAN’T I LOVE IT SO MUCH

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