Even writing this feels pointless. The problem is, I spent a long time fooling myself into believing that my channel was going somewhere. I spent a long time fooling myself into thinking I had something special to share with the internet, and all that stuff.
But the truth is, it’s been over two years and I’ve given it everything I had. I sacrificed a lot. I made myself uncomfortably vulnerable over and over, and I know that it was for its inherent value to me and whoever else got anything out of it. But right now, if I could go back and not do any of it again, I would.
The thing is, famous people get to make videos about their feelings and have it be brave and be praised by people for their ability simply to be real human beings and not just fake, packaged commodities for their fans. Which, fine. I guess it’s better than not being a real person at all, I don’t know. But they’re still making money off of that vulnerability.
But I was never getting anything out of this other than human contact with people who actually cared about what I had to say. Which means a lot, don’t get me wrong. But I gave up a lot to pursue that. I gave up my safe job and the relatively cushiony future I could have had, and now… now I’m starting to think that I overestimated how much what I was doing would actually matter to other people. Or at least, whether it would matter to anyone with any actual power. Or enough people that I could make some sort of living off of it.
And I do believe that the economy is fucked up and that people should be allowed to just live and that the world shouldn’t be so fucking unforgiving, but that doesn’t change anything because I still have to figure out what to do next and I still wish with every fiber of my being that I’d just taken the easy path and stayed at my desk job. And I still… I still feel so hopeless and lost that I can barely get out of bed or think straight about anything, let alone the future. My future.
Plus, I’m not convinced that it really matters because I don’t have a lot of hope for the future of our species, either.
But anyway I guess it’s just that… you can spend two years tweeting and blogging and rambling into the void only to realize that to anyone in the actual business of, like, making money by commodifying the attention of strangers on the internet… what you’ve been doing just looks pathetic and sad. To them you might as well be talking into a vacuum, if only 15 people read your blog or a handful of people comment, or whatever.
To the people I grew up not only watching but practically idolizing… to anyone with an actual audience, not only am I small potatoes or whatever, I’m less than nothing. I’m, like. I’m a joke, and the punchline is that I actually thought this stuff could go somewhere for me enough to throw the life I had away.
Anyway. That’s the truth. Even though no one is going to read this, and if they do, it’ll just bum them out. But uh… yeah, I don’t know. It’s bumming me out, too, and I just wanted to get the thoughts out so I can stop rehashing them over and over in the prison of my own skull.