Look, this is one of my biggest flaws and I feel like I have to just write a (very short) little post about it, just to have a record of it here for myself, and for you, if there are ever enough people reading this that it actually makes the slightest difference whatsoever.
But it’s been on my mind because I’ve been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately, and it makes me feel even worse to know that my life ultimately isn’t that hard compared to most people’s. But I think feeling sorry for yourself is just the human condition in some ways, no matter how lucky you are compared to other people because honestly, life sucks.
I don’t think there has ever been a child who grew into an adult and thought “WOW this is so much BETTER than I expected!” That just isn’t how life is. It’s weirder than you expect, it’s more complicated and confusing and surprising, maybe. And some parts are pretty fucking good. But we all wind up disappointed by life somewhere along the way, the only thing that really varies is how long we manage to postpone that disappointment.
Anyway. So we all cope with that in our own ways. Some of us blame our parents for creating us. Some of us try to save the world so we don’t have to focus on our own suffering anymore. Some of us blame our romantic partners or another group of people whether it be due to race or sex or whatever. Some of us just kill ourselves, some of us kill other people, some of us go down conspiracy theory rabbit holes or get addicted to drugs or alcohol or whatever else but none of us get out without some sort of coping mechanism that allows us an escape from reality because reality is just ROUGH and that’s all there is to it.
Some people have more grit than others, though, and I think maybe I just don’t have very much of it, because I feel sorry for myself all the time. And I don’t think I make excuses for myself, at least not as far as I can control it, although I know we all do. But I don’t hurt other people on purpose and I try really hard to be as good a person as I can be even when it hurts more than the alternatives.
But I do make excuses for myself in terms of just ineptitude. Not malice or anything like that, but just… I’ve always seen myself as… I don’t want to say stupid because it sounds like I’m being unnecessarily harsh, and I don’t want to say handicapped because it makes it sound like I’m trying to place myself in a group of people who obviously have more real and immediate struggles than I do. But I’ve always seen myself as maybe just not quite up to snuff. A little behind on the reading, so to speak. And I don’t think that makes me worthless or whatever but I do still think it’s true.
The point is, i think people use self pity as an excuse for not improving themselves. And I don’t want to do that but I’m afraid that I do. But I also think that sometimes it’s okay to just feel sorry for yourself because, hey, you know what? Life sucks. It’s fucking difficult and struggling is so stigmatized that we’re not even allowed to just take a second to feel sad that we live in such a merciless universe, and an equally merciless society that really doesn’t need to be as harsh as it is.
Anyway I don’t know what I’m saying but that’s all I had to say.