I’ve been learning a lot. I’ve been feeling like I, uh… I guess I feel like I don’t really fit anywhere. I tried getting behind a microphone, and that didn’t work. I tried working retail again, and that didn’t work. I tried YouTube, but now that I have a shot at making that work, I’m too afraid and insecure to make it work, probably.
I just, I’ve written myself into a corner. On the one hand, I have… something. A uniqueness, I guess.
Whatever my YouTube stuff has been so far, it’s… its own thing, I feel. But the problem with that is, I have no idea where I fit. Am I a “Philosophy YouTuber” and if so, how could I possibly even hope to compete with the incredible philosophy content that already exists? And if not, why bother with the philosophy stuff at all? But for me the philosophy stuff is the point of the channel.
It isn’t important, really, it’s just that I have no idea whether there’s a place for me. On YouTube, but kind of… anywhere? Maybe YouTube has been my attempt to carve a place out for myself. But is that a good thing? What if some people just shouldn’t have a platform? I know I’m not as bad as a lot of people who do have a platform, but that doesn’t stop me from comparing myself to others, or anticipating criticism before I even receive it, and to be honest, I’m really terrible at taking criticism.
I wish I weren’t. I’m embarrassed that I am. But I’m… as a person who grew up with a learning disability, deep physical ineptitude, chronic migraines, multiple psychological disorders, and parents who were far too sweet and kind and patient and understanding, who should have “whipped me into shape” so I wouldn’t turn into a millennial who just believes she deserves to take up space in the world for no gosh darn reason, KIDS THESE DAYS – I’m being kind of silly, but also kind of serious… anyway as a person who grew up with all kinds of disabilities and setbacks (as well as advantages, to be sure, but I’m telling you how it feels), I really struggle with criticism not because I’m not used to it, but because every second of every day for my entire life, I’ve been criticizing myself in my head so aggressively that I can barely function, socially.
People sometimes get the impression from me that I’m egotistical which I think on some level is probably true, but often the truth is really just that I’m overcompensating for something I’m deeply insecure about, that I assume I’m so transparently self-loathing that no one could ever miss the joke of what I often feel are, like, bursts of “performing” self-esteem, or whatever passes for self-esteem in my head, that day.
Basically, I’m a mess of contradictions. I want so badly for people to like me that I wind up oscillating between trying too hard to guess what the person I’m interacting with wants me to be, how they’d like me to behave, and getting fed up with that approach and just going, to use a term I shouldn’t enjoy using as much as I do, “balls out.” I’ve been going a little too far to the “balls out” side of the spectrum, on youtube, I think, but it’s hard not to when there’s literally no one there to modulate your personality for other than a camera, which represents a hypothetical ‘them’ that ultimately, doesn’t feel real until after the video’s posted, sometimes not even then, if no one engages with it right away.
I just wish – and like a typical millennial shit-bag, I do think that capitalism is to blame for a lot of these feelings in myself and in others – I wish I didn’t have to fight so hard just to justify my own existence. And I know that it’s kind of just a part of the game. I understand that to think you can just opt-out of the same shitstorm everyone else is in, it’s not even naiive so much as it is a silly thing to hope for.
But I worry. I worry because I genuinely don’t know when I’ve gone too far, and I… basically exist in my own little world, in my head. Which is a problem partly because there are real-world considerations to be made like paying rent and figuring out how to pay rent while also doing all my stupid philosophy stuff, while also figuring out how to navigate the weird waters of the internet without either drowning or going too far afield and losing track of, like, the real world. Again.
I know a few things, though: I’m not a bigot, I’m relatively self-aware, I contain the capacity for (though an imperfect one, obviously) selflessness, and for a dumb dumb, I’m kind of smart. Just not at, like, tying shoe laces and regular life skills most people learn in kindergarten. My intelligence is a little more detached than most people’s – but that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just… not the easiest type of intelligence to predict the outcome of, when it comes into contact with the real world. It’s just… it’s really hard to go easy on yourself, sometimes. That’s all I’m trying to say.
7 thoughts on “Okay. Blogging.”
So I was curious, it seemed like you might want to start making content again. Were you thinking about doing some things differently or just maybe starting again and seeing how it goes?
Yes! I’m planning an “intro to philosophy” series of videos (more info under the philosophy tab), and a series of videos about the philosophy of sex, and I want to keep doing the drunk philosophy and blasted book reviews but maybe with better planning. And that’s not even the half of it! 😹
I’m also trying to expand into analyzing the philosophy of movies, TV, music, and produce some episodic things with my puppets… it’s like a whole… crazy thing…
I think a little more structure/planning to the drunk philosophy would be a very good thing indeed. What kind of puppets? I always loved the big ones with a stick that moves the arm around.
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Ha! I wish I could afford those, I love the movie “being John Malkovich” – have you seen it? It has marionettes in it and that always kinda delighted me
First and foremost I’d like to say that I think your videos show a type of personality that would could be successful on YouTube. Maybe there are channels that provide robust academic discussion on different philosophy topics, but youtube is just another form of social media. People most gravitate to content containing people they feel they can connect to. So I’d think that using philosophy as a vessel for which you can showcase your unique silliness, openness, and other intricate qualities that make up your personality (aka what you have been doing, like light passing through a prism and becoming a rainbow) would be I viable YouTube channel and I think a lot if the stuff you have put up has been good, but like most things practice and commitment will bring improvements over time that might get you to a place where you can make YouTube or something a career.
It’s also surprising to find out you have a learning disability, I would have never guessed, this blog post reveals so much. Some of it was already perceptible, like you wanting people to like you, a lot self deprecating humor usually is a sign if that. But overall it was really unexpected, honest, and intimate. It was pretty cool to be able to see it (I always think people expressing the complexity of their mindset and emotions are so interesting).
And also, obviously I think you’re probably harder on yourself tha you need to be, almost nobody enjoys criticism, it’s hard. It’s literally just people telling you how to be better, which means you’re worse than you could be. It always stings. But you beat people to the punch when you worry about it before you make or post something. Your giving yourself the criticism without even getting to the opportunity to Express your dweeb self. Idk there is so much that could be said. I’m hoping to see more blogs or videos though, because they are very good.
Hope you’re doing well
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This comment is beyond sweet and kind and I’m SO grateful that you shared. Gonna come back and reread this when I need a little pick me up. You’re the first comment ever on this blog, by the way, so you’re extra special!!! 🥰 🥳