“There’s no such thing as angels, but there are people who might as well be…”

This is a blog, and the point of a blog is to overshare in a way that’s interesting/compelling, right?

Which means this is a safe place for me to just be me, right?

Ideally, maybe, but it sure doesn’t feel that way, anymore. Maybe because I’m too young to understand the difference between awkwardness and true dumbassitude. 

(Shakespeare invented words, too, don’t tell me how to live my life! …says the girl trying to figure out how she got so crazy that she can’t even tell which of HER OWN voices is really her, anymore.)

Anyway but maybe we all have a multitude of voices so the part that’s weird is just admitting to it in the wrong spaces. But we have so many new, bizarre spaces in which to communicate, now. It’s not easy to figure out how to do that effectively on every possible scale. It’s not easy to realize that the simulated world and the real world are one and the same.

It’s just, I feel like I need to explain myself to every person I meet but I don’t have time to go over the whole thing that many times. So I started a YouTube channel where you can see the whole picture, if you really want to. But I neglected real life, in the process. Partly because I’m just not very good at real life.

But also because I’m a dork. And being a dork requires time, and time isn’t cheap. So I had to steal time where I could in an attempt to keep my ship afloat because without philosophy, and trust me, that shit takes time, I feel hopeless. Helpless. Tired. As we all do, I think.

I also feel very underqualified for the job I am literally trying to assign to myself, my chosen passion, I’m still dumb at it. I’m bad at basic living skills, emotional and interpersonal skills, but in addition to just the localized skills I’m also terrible and reckless with social media, which is arguably the most important aspect of social life in our day.

Look, I could give you the list of excuses I have for being a legitimate crazy person. I could argue my case until I turn blue. But I’m tired of defending myself just for being a little bit slow and over-reactive. I think we all have weak points and that sometimes we need to be forgiven for those weak points instead of chastised for them. And I know that I’m a sensitive snowflake who takes any and all criticism, even just implied criticism, straight to the heart, which is why I work so hard to try to exceed expectations. But the amount of effort is proportional to the amount of frustration you meet when your best isn’t good enough.

I tried school and my best wasn’t good enough. I tried dating and my best wasn’t good enough. I tried YouTube and my best wasn’t good enough. And now I’m trying this. Just an honest blog that inevitably will betray my weaknesses as a person and probably burn some bridges, but we’re all just doing our best to figure it out, the way I see it.

I think that if the world had better listeners, it would also have better speakers. So I want to do both, and hope you’ll give me the same in return. If I ever step out of line on this blog, tell me. Assuming anyone reads it.

I know that I’m an idiot and I don’t know what I’m doing but I want to be better, and I want your help to do it.

If you’re here, to me, you’re an angel. I’m not being precious, I’m just… I love the DFW quote… (this actually isn’t the whole thing):

“If, by the virtue of charity or the circumstance of desperation, you ever chance to spend a little time around a Substance-recovery halfway facility like Enfield MA’s state-funded Ennet House, you will acquire many exotic new facts… That certain persons simply will not like you no matter what you do. Then that most nonaddicted adult civilians have already absorbed and accepted this fact, often rather early on… That sleeping can be a form of emotional escape and can with sustained effort be abused… That purposeful sleep-deprivation can also be an abusable escape. That gambling can be an abusable escape, too, and work, shopping, and shoplifting, and sex, and abstention, and masturbation, and food, and exercise, and meditation/prayer… That loneliness is not a function of solitude… That if enough people in a silent room are drinking coffee it is possible to make out the sound of steam coming off the coffee. That sometimes human beings have to just sit in one place and, like, hurt… That there is such a thing as raw, unalloyed, agendaless kindness… That the effects of too many cups of coffee are in no way pleasant or intoxicating… That if you do something nice for somebody in secret, anonymously, without letting the person you did it for know it was you or anybody else know what it was you did or in any way or form trying to get credit for it, it’s almost its own form of intoxicating buzz.
That anonymous generosity, too, can be abused…
That it is permissible to want…
That there might not be angels, but there are people who might as well be angels.”

David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

I think there are people who might as well be angels. I think David Foster Wallace was one of them, that John Green is one of them for introducing me to David Foster Wallace as well as the majority of my now favorite things, that an angel isn’t an angel for being perfect but for performing a miracle, and that we all perform small miracles every day.

A rendering of a photo taken of David Foster Wallace giving his famous commencement speech at Kenyon college, “This is Water”

Not everyone gets to be an angel, but we all are in moments. And we’re all devils in moments, too. But maybe we need both, and maybe it’s okay to be both at the same time. None of us can truly claim to understand life, or the world in which we find ourselves.

All we know is that we share this reality, all of us, right here, right now, all of us are /here/. We forget how much that actually gives us in common.

But you guys, we’re all HERE. And NOW. And that’s such a small fraction of the number of people and living things of all kinds that have ever existed. The universe is -INFINITE- and we are here. All of us. With the same basic biology, the same basic desires and drives, the same experiences, even, for the most part.

A.I. might not be the end of humanity. It could also be our salvation. It could also teach us how to communicate with each other in a productive and effective way.

One can hope so, anyway. If there are humans who might as well be angels, why couldn’t there also be artificially intelligent angels, with WAY more processing power than we dumb “wetware” folks possess on our own.

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